


What It Really Is

by Zeelightful



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Other, Suicide, Video, YouTube, suicidal character, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 17:49:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4796621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeelightful/pseuds/Zeelightful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes life sucks. For Daniel Howell, it sucked all the time, unfortunately he wasn't sure how to express that, but he's ready to take a shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What It Really Is

Dan fiddled with the camera in front of him, trying to make it focus on his face. Phil was going to be home soon and he wanted to get filming done before then. When he was ready to film, he clicked record. He sat back in his chair and took a breath, mentally preparing himself for what he was going to do.

"Hello, Internet. We're going to be talking about something a little more... serious today." Dan spoke to the camera, as he made a mental note to zoom in on his face dramatically when editing. "You can probably already guess from the title of this video so there's not much surprise factor, but we're gonna be talking about my mental health. Yay." 

He grabbed his water bottle from the floor and took a sip. This was already exhausting and he had just started filming. Once his throat wasn't as dry, he look back into the camera and continued.

"I'm depressed. And suicidal, but we'll get to that later." Dan's voice was shaking a bit, but he ignored it. "I'm not depressed as in I'm going to burst into tears as I stare out the window dramatically. My depression isn't like that, it's more like... having the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry. I can't feel anything; it's like an empty numbness inside me that I can't do anything about.

I'm not saying all the times you've seen me and Phil laughing on camera were fake, I really was enjoying myself, but the emptiness never went away. Being depressed also makes me more insecure and prone to anxiety attacks, but I've gotten better at calming myself down and crying myself to sleep. I'll cut that part out... Not even Phil knows about this yet, though I suppose he will as soon as I upload this video." Dan's sentence trailed off and he sat for a moment, wondering if going through with this was really a good idea. He shook his head and powered through the self doubt.

"As for me being suicidal, let me first say, you don't have to worry about me... killing myself or anything. It's hard to describe, it's not as if I'm always looking for a way out, more like... It's like sitting in a theater, but I'm always sort of vaguely aware of the light of the exit sign. Sometimes it'll be the center of my attention and I can't focus on the movie, and others I'll hardly notice. It's not me wanting to die, it's me not wanting... to live. It's not looking both ways before crossing the street, skipping a meal, not washing my hands because maybe I'll get a disease. It, in short, sucks." He stopped his rant short and smiled at the camera. "But I'm getting help. I've been seeing a therapist for about a month, I'm on antidepressants, and I have you guys. I wanted to make this video because maybe one of you watching it will inspired by my sob story to get help as well." As he said the last words he felt more anxious and relieved than he had throughout filming. He did feel a bit guilty about lying though. He hadn't been to Dr. Morrison's in weeks and his pill bottle sat full, gathering dust in his desk. He shook those feelings off, telling himself that his fans, and Phil, needed the reassurance.

He flicked off the camera and transferred the data into his computer. As he did so, he heard the flat door open and thud shut, announcing Phil's arrival. Dan minimized the editing software and went to go help him with the groceries. 

-

It was almost four in the morning and Dan has just finished editing the video. He tiredly uploaded it to YouTube and quickly exitted all his tabs so he didn't have to face all the social media chaos that was sure to erupt after he dropped that bomb. 

Dan shut his computer lid and walked to the kitchen softly, not sure if Phil was asleep or not. He helped himself to some leftover pizza in the fridge, making sure to stop the microwave before it beeped. As he sat eating his pizza, he heard light footsteps from behind him.

He turned and saw Phil adorned in his pajamas, standing in the doorway. Dan swallowed the bite of pizza he had in his mouth quickly.

"I didn't mean to wake you, sorry." He offered to the older man.

"You didn't, I was on YouTube." Phil said softly. Dan then understood why Phil was up.

"You saw it, huh?" He asked despite already knowing he had. Phil nodded and crossed the dining room, wrapping his arms around Dan tightly. "Oh, um, I'm okay, really."

"I can't believe I didn't notice." Phil murmured upsetly. Dan pulled back and frowned at his flatmate.

"Well, I wasn't exactly wearing a sign. Come on, I'm tired and my pizza is cold." Dan cleaned up his food and lead Phil back to his room. As he turned to head back to his own bed, Phil caught his sleeve.

"Could you- would you mind staying in here tonight?" He asked quietly. Dan smiled at him and agreed. They climbed under the green and blue duvet, their backs warm against each other. 

Drowsiness fell over the two and they fell asleep.


End file.
